NUCLEAR DISASTER THREATENS LOS ANGELES AS DIPLOMACY FAILS

After what many have described as a “shit fest” of a meeting between the President and several foreign powers, things have taken a dark turn. Los Angeles has come under threat of nuclear warfare in what the President says is his defense strategy.

“I’m going to nuke Los Angeles,” the President announced to the press. “I’m going to nuke Los Angeles faster than anyone has ever nuked L.A. before. I know this may make me unpopular… I know, I know… Nobody likes nukes. I hate nukes. I think they’re the worst. But our nukes are American and I believe in American nukes. Our nukes are stronger and bigger than everyone else’s. They’ve never seen nukes like ours before. Never. And you know what? They’re all jealous. They all hate that we have such amazing nuclear weapons.

"And do you know what they all want? It’s not our bombs, no… They want to nuke L.A. They want to drop their nuclear bombs all over L.A. as soon as they can. They won’t say it but I can tell they do. I’m a real people person. I get people. But what I don’t get is how they could think it’s okay to drop their foreign nukes all over our precious L.A. and the beautiful, beautiful people who live there. So, I’m going to nuke it first. I’m going to leave no Los Angeles for them to nuke. I love this plan. It’s a smart plan and it’s an American plan. God bless you America. God bless you L.A.”

The President has refused further comment insisting, “It’s a good plan.” All citizens in and around Los Angeles county have been advised to stay inside or find shelter, preferably in a concrete or brick building. Those outside of the projected danger zone may be asked to evacuate. For those nearest to ground zero, find someone you love and hold them tight. I’m going now. My daughter wants one last hot chocolate. Goodbye.

Written by Abdifatah Ahmed.

Ahmed has been a hard-hitting journalist for 8 years, reporting the latest in tech and L.A. happenings.

Citizens of California, Arizona, Nevada, and Utah: please check with your local government for further safety instruction.